Tuesday, October 26, 2010


I feel as if I'm standing at the beginning of the rest of my life.
I've been here several times before.

When I went off to college, it was thrilling to be on my own for the first time.  There was an unknown and unlimited amount of people to meet, things to do, paths in life to travel.

When I studied abroad in Spain, I regained my sense of self after quite an extended separation.  I fit into my skin once again.  There were still challenges ahead, I knew, but I felt as if I could overcome anything.  Once again, life was filled with possibilities and hopes.
When I married my husband, I married my best friend, my soul mate, and the love of my life all rolled into one incredibly handsome package (if I do say so myself ;-D).  Our life together has been and will continue to be an adventure.  I remember standing by his side as his wife, and thinking that together there was nothing we couldn't overcome, nowhere we couldn't go.  I still believe all of that--my being on disability has just put a few more challenges in our path for us to hop over.

Today is another such day.
It's not a grand occasion, as were the above.
It's simply a Tuesday.
But still I feel as if the future stretches on ahead.
This time, however, it's taking some work to view this feeling with my usual optimism and excitement.
Being declared disabled was a shock.
Living with that declaration has been a great deal harder than I had expected.
Though there were many things that I disliked about working in the field of education, I loved teaching.
I loved working with my kiddos, I loved teaching them Spanish, and I loved being able to give them advice when they came to me with problems.
I loved trying to teach them how to think.
I had a definite purpose.

Now, my purpose lies in keeping the house clean, planning meals, cooking dinner, etc.
I am a housewife.

According to my husband I am a very good housewife, so at least there's that.

Let me be clear--there's nothing wrong with being a housewife.
Last summer I was even somewhat enamored by the idea.
So I am quite surprised that I am not ecstatic to find myself able to take up said role with little financial imposition (at least for the next three years) to my husband and myself. 
It's because the choice was not mine--I hadn't finished fulfilling my purpose as a teacher.
I had imagined having years longer to work with my kids.
And now I'm a housewife.
Just like that.

What's the point of this ramble of a post?
I'm in a period of adjustment.
Though almost two months have passed since I was declared disabled, I'm still adjusting to the loss of my job--specifically the purpose I found in my work.

That said, there are some things to which look forward.
I'm planning on engaging in some volunteer work at some point--though with my condition, I would only be able to do so for a few hours a week.
I'm trying to develop new hobbies--but there are only so many fake plants one house can take.
I'm starting to really enjoy certain aspects of being home--for example, not hurting all the time.
Having the time and the energy to truly take care of the house and my husband is another plus.
Having time to maintain and build friendships sure is nice.
Not being sick all the time (except now, when I have a cough) is also nice.

So, I'm adjusting fairly well.  I think I might even be on the upswing of the whole process.
Looking back over my life, I've always been able, ultimately, to adjust and be happy wherever life takes me and whatever it throws at me.
Another couple of months, and I'll be fully happy in my new role.
And truly, I do love all the day-to-day business of being a housewife--it's just a matter of getting myself to be ok with having such a tremendous life-changing decision taken out of my hands.

Anyway, that is my ramble on my current state of mind.
Now, I'm going to finish watching Lost In Austen and then vacuum the downstairs.
The bathrooms might also get cleaned today.  We'll see!

1 comment:

  1. Kristen, love you and praying that this time of adjustment would work out well for you. Keep up your optimism, and you'll find new things to pour your life into.


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