I HATE this quote! I'm going to be a teacher, but I can DO a lot of things. I'm good at customer service, I'm good at keeping ledgers (or at least, I am at keeping my own), I'm good at being organized (when I have to be), I'm good at communicating in English OR Spanish. There are a lot of different things I could do. But I CHOOSE to be a teacher. Or rather, I will, starting tomorrow, which is my first day of training--it's a curriculum class for new teachers in the district's Languages Other Than English Department (LOTE Dept.).
This quote kinda pisses me off in that it undermines the abilities of teachers. And that some TEACHERS actually buy into it! I know not many are mentally deficient enough to actually buy into that load of dung, but there are some that are...some who think "oh, you chose to ONLY be a teacher...you must not have been good at anything else". Which is malarkey. Plain and simple. Teachers are everything from skilled organizers to disciplinarians to amateur psychologists to motivators to subject-masters, the list goes on. That's because you have 30-35 (average) relative novices of varying ages and ability levels and ONE you. Ask any other professional to do this, and they'd look at you like you were crazy. Especially because all of the age groups are 18 years old and under. For me, make that number 30-35 students in each of five 45 minute periods, equaling 150 to 175 students in my entire day. Like I said, ask any other professional--and yes, teachers are degreed and trained professionals--to undertake such a task (especially for the salary a teacher receives!) and they would laugh at you.
The fact is, teachers aren't in it for the recognition or the money. We couldn't be. I've watched my mom and her sisters, my grandmother and her sisters, serve as teachers...we get some of the most thankless jobs out there. That said, we're in it to help kids learn, and not just to learn our subject matter, but to learn how to grow into the type of person they want to be. We try to teach them, in-between state-mandated lesson goals, how to think critically, to develop sympathy and understanding for those around them regardless of and differences, to realize their actions have direct and indirect consequences for themselves and others, to have self-confidence, and many, many more life lessons. All in the space of time we're allotted.
In reflecting on all of this over the past few days, I realized something about myself. I have no real AMBITION, but I have a hell of a lot of DRIVE. And I realized what I hadn't before--though admittedly I should have long ago. These are two very different things. I don't care about the low salary. Sure, it's inconvenient and annoying at times, but if it really irked me, I'd find a different job. I don't care that I'm not in charge of a department or other group of people--1) I'm a first year teacher, and 2) I don't think I ever really want to be. The only "in charge" position I could ever see me liking is curriculum specialist. And that's more over the curriculum, not people. I would be perfectly content to spend the remainder of my teaching career as a high school Spanish I teacher. So, no ambition.
Oh, but drive! I desperately want to be the best teacher that I can. I'm reading books on the subject, asking advice, trying to hack out my classroom procedures, and am completely psyched to go to my training. I want to succeed in helping my students to succeed. I don't want to let them, my coworkers, or myself down. If I fail, it's not just myself that suffers--it's potentially 150-175 kids that go down with me...and that's an enormous responsibility. It's hard waiting for training to start, waiting for people to return my emails so that I have the information I need to start making use of the district's resources. I am so nervous and excited that I'm having a hard time focusing on anything else...heck, I'm even DREAMING about teaching!!! Right now, I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I know that feeling will let up tomorrow, once I've actually had the opportunity to talk with other teachers and ask for their advice and help.
In short, I have drive without ambition. You know, I've actually heard this talked about. It's always with an edge of pity or concern. I suppose that's because, for most in our society, being your best means getting to the highest position you can, or making the most money. To do that requires drive AND ambition. So when someone has ambition-less drive, they are somehow seen as handicapped in their search for being the best. Well, I disagree. My definition of "my best" does not line up with society's definition. I want to help people, I want to give people an appreciation for the Spanish language and the various cultures that speak it, and I want to make a difference in at least a few lives (I know I won't make a difference in every student's life...but if I can reach at least one or two a semester, then I'll be happy). So, my definition of "my best" is fulfilling that desire. It won't elevate me in position or pay, but it will (I hope) enable me to become the best me that I can. In a way, that is ambition...but in a very different light, a light for which most people don't bother looking.
So I will endeavor to employ my drive in pursuit of these goals, these ambitions, and always remember that my abilities are many, regardless of what some stupid platitude may have to say.
Anyways, I was just thinking.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
A Nice Ramble
I just feel like typing what is crossing my mind in this very moment. It's a beautiful Saturday, even if it is typically-Texas August hot outside. I have the blinds open and the sun is shining through...the trees just beyond our porch are swaying in a gentle breeze. I'm lounging on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table, watching Sydney White, with one dog curled up at my hip and the other sprawled out at my feet chewing on her bone. My wonderful husband is napping in our bedroom, with some jazz music playing on his computer. I can hear it as it filters through the walls, and though it adds a quirky counterpoint to my movie, it perfectly accentuates the peaceful atmosphere of our apartment. I love the weekend.
Tonight one of our friends is coming over for dinner, so I'll start cooking in about another hour. His wife-to-be will move down in another month, and I'm hoping we will become good friends. Another friend is back in town now, and we've already gotten lunch. It was wonderful! I finished my graduate work this last week, and start work in another two. Students come in three weeks. Life is really starting to pick up here.
On that note, I think I'm going to go read my copy the Tao Teh Ching. The poetry of Lao Tzu's teachings really is amazing, and the principles of Taoism are very much centered on being aligned with the Tao, and thus finding inner peace. Now, interpret the Tao to be what you will, but I can't think of a better read for a day like today. I think I'm going to try to make a sort of study of the Tao Teh Ching to try and truly understand the core of Taoist philosophy. I might start meditating again...I do miss having that time each day where I empty my mind of everything but one thought, and then just hold that thought in my mental hands. After my workout will probably be the best time...that way both my body and mind will be fit.
I have such an abiding feeling of peace and happiness right now...it really is amazing. It's one of those feelings that you can really get lost in...your mind can successfully fill with nothing but a sense of peace and a sense of how blessed is your life.
Anyways, I was just thinking.
Tonight one of our friends is coming over for dinner, so I'll start cooking in about another hour. His wife-to-be will move down in another month, and I'm hoping we will become good friends. Another friend is back in town now, and we've already gotten lunch. It was wonderful! I finished my graduate work this last week, and start work in another two. Students come in three weeks. Life is really starting to pick up here.
On that note, I think I'm going to go read my copy the Tao Teh Ching. The poetry of Lao Tzu's teachings really is amazing, and the principles of Taoism are very much centered on being aligned with the Tao, and thus finding inner peace. Now, interpret the Tao to be what you will, but I can't think of a better read for a day like today. I think I'm going to try to make a sort of study of the Tao Teh Ching to try and truly understand the core of Taoist philosophy. I might start meditating again...I do miss having that time each day where I empty my mind of everything but one thought, and then just hold that thought in my mental hands. After my workout will probably be the best time...that way both my body and mind will be fit.
I have such an abiding feeling of peace and happiness right now...it really is amazing. It's one of those feelings that you can really get lost in...your mind can successfully fill with nothing but a sense of peace and a sense of how blessed is your life.
Anyways, I was just thinking.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Shooting Up
No, not like THAT. Tonight's shot night. I know I mentioned in another post that I have health issues. Well, to be specific, I have A health issue: rheumatoid arthritis (RA). I was diagnosed one month short of two years ago. It's almost my anniversary lol. RA is an autoimmune disorder in which the immune system goes a bit nuts and attacks the joints and the tissues around the joints, primarily. No known cause, no known cure. Lol, my body sure can pick 'em huh? My causal theory is genetic predisposition (which come to find out there is...waaay back in my family tree) triggered by some sort of physical stress (for me, losing 60 lbs in 3 mths MIGHT have done the trick...silly emotional turmoil affecting the physical!) If left untreated, RA can progress to a system-wide chronic inflammatory disorder. Lucky for me, I'm getting great treatments! Two of which are injectable in form: Enbrel and methotrexate. The combination of these wonderful drugs is what has me in remission.
Enbrel is what they call a biologic: it targets a specific response of my immune system and shuts it down. Which means it's easier for me to catch colds and stuff, supposedly. I haven't had any issue with it yet (knock on wood), but I try to be careful anyway. Methotrexate is actually a drug they use in chemotherapy with cancer patients. I take a much MUCH lower dose than that, but the drug is the same.
To be clear, remission in RA does not mean the disease goes away...just that it is successfully managed so as to cause the least amount of pain/discomfort. My joints are still stiff for 5-10 minutes in the morning, and my elbows will never be the same...especially the right one, which doesn't straighten all the way anymore. Good thing I'm tall...I can still reach things on high shelves! Lol. My ankles and my knees don't do very well with high impact...walking's ok, but for exercise I use a stationary bike: absolute lowest impact of any cardio machine I've found yet! All in all, there are so many diseases that could be and are a load worse than the one I've got. Yes, it's still a pain in the ass, and yes sometimes it still frustrates the hell out of me when I can't do something I used to be able to do...but the other day I opened a new jar of jelly all by myself, and the week before that, a new jar of pickles! When at one point I couldn't even pull socks on my feet because it hurt both my feet and my hands/wrists too badly, every accomplishment is an accomplishment, no matter how small, and no matter how long I've been in remission. At least, that's what I have to keep reminding myself when I start getting truly frustrated and, yes, occasionally depressed about the whole thing. But that doesn't happen as often as it did! I'm slowly coming to terms with my new limits...but that doesn't mean I'm giving in! I still push the envelope, so to speak, and sometimes that works out fine, and other times I have a flare.
A flare means the remission is over, temporarily. Then I do whatever I can to undo the reason for the flair--take it easy for a day, relieve some stress, cut salt waaay down in my diet, use heat packs, whatever! Then the medicine kicks back in and does its job.
Which brings me back to the prompt for this blog. Tonight is shot night. I have a sure-click (think like an epi-pen) of Enbrel, and a syringe and vial of methotrexate. The Enbrel I push a button and endure while it dispenses the medicine into my leg with a highly painful burning sensation. Four deep, slow breaths, and generally it's over. Then I get to measure out the methotrexate into the syringe and inject it into my leg. I HATE that part. I will never understand how people can shoot up for recreational drug use...the action of sticking a needle into your own flesh is sooo counterintuitive that even now, after almost a full year of this medication, I still take AT LEAST 5 counts of 1-2-3 to inject. Gah. My stomach's always in knots for the hour that I let the Enbrel reach room temp (it has to be kept refrigerated), not because I'm afraid of the shots, but because I know they're going to hurt and there's not a damn thing I can do. Then comes the day or two of low-level nausea and bone-deep weariness. I attribute the nausea to the methotrexate, and the weariness to the Enbrel...but I can't tell for sure. I take them both on the same night, at the recommendation of my rheumatologist, to get it all over with on the same day. The positive thing is when we decide to have a kid I have to go off all of my medication...which means any nausea then could be a pregnancy sign! Lol. Oh, and RA goes into remission during pregnancy, though it often comes back worse after the baby's born...but that's ok...we're gonna risk it at least once!
Anyway, all of that said, these drugs truly are wonderful. Within 2 months of starting Enbrel (almost a year and a half ago) I could walk normally, put on my socks and shoes by myself, and handle buttons with ease! After 3 months on the methotrexate (it took a bit longer to kick in) I was just about up to the level of remission I'm in now! Which is to say, the disease is still there, but I can function pretty much normally. Granted, I'll never be able to work out like I did in high school again--with my elbows, lifting weights is problematic and I'll be hard-pressed to ever do a push-up again, and my knees and ankles pretty much rule out bleachers and even regular running. But that won't keep me from living my life to the fullest, getting back in shape (I am DETERMINED!!! lol), and being the best me I can be! As corny as that last sounds, I am determined to find out what that means, on all levels--because that, friends, is self-knowledge.
Throughout this whole process, my family has been supersupportive and loving. However, noone has done quite as much for me as my husband. He was the one to help me put on socks and shoes the holiday season after I got diagnosed. He pushes me when I'm giving in too easily--physically and emotionally--and holds me when I've done all I can, and when it all gets to be just that much too much. He has helped me see all the ways in which I can still be useful, helped me find my new definition of useful, and just basically has been so all-around wonderful with all of this that I don't know how I would have gotten through it without him. I'd have gotten through, but the journey would have been much more hellish. I sure do love that man! :-)
On that uplifting and positive note, it's time for me to go "shoot up". I realize this post was not quite in the same vein as my other just thinking posts, but it's what was on my mind tonight. Nor should this blog be read as a definitive definition or description of RA...that's why I included the link to the Arthritis Center's Disease Center RA page ;-). This is just what was running through my mind tonight.
Anyways, I was just thinking.
Enbrel is what they call a biologic: it targets a specific response of my immune system and shuts it down. Which means it's easier for me to catch colds and stuff, supposedly. I haven't had any issue with it yet (knock on wood), but I try to be careful anyway. Methotrexate is actually a drug they use in chemotherapy with cancer patients. I take a much MUCH lower dose than that, but the drug is the same.
To be clear, remission in RA does not mean the disease goes away...just that it is successfully managed so as to cause the least amount of pain/discomfort. My joints are still stiff for 5-10 minutes in the morning, and my elbows will never be the same...especially the right one, which doesn't straighten all the way anymore. Good thing I'm tall...I can still reach things on high shelves! Lol. My ankles and my knees don't do very well with high impact...walking's ok, but for exercise I use a stationary bike: absolute lowest impact of any cardio machine I've found yet! All in all, there are so many diseases that could be and are a load worse than the one I've got. Yes, it's still a pain in the ass, and yes sometimes it still frustrates the hell out of me when I can't do something I used to be able to do...but the other day I opened a new jar of jelly all by myself, and the week before that, a new jar of pickles! When at one point I couldn't even pull socks on my feet because it hurt both my feet and my hands/wrists too badly, every accomplishment is an accomplishment, no matter how small, and no matter how long I've been in remission. At least, that's what I have to keep reminding myself when I start getting truly frustrated and, yes, occasionally depressed about the whole thing. But that doesn't happen as often as it did! I'm slowly coming to terms with my new limits...but that doesn't mean I'm giving in! I still push the envelope, so to speak, and sometimes that works out fine, and other times I have a flare.
A flare means the remission is over, temporarily. Then I do whatever I can to undo the reason for the flair--take it easy for a day, relieve some stress, cut salt waaay down in my diet, use heat packs, whatever! Then the medicine kicks back in and does its job.
Which brings me back to the prompt for this blog. Tonight is shot night. I have a sure-click (think like an epi-pen) of Enbrel, and a syringe and vial of methotrexate. The Enbrel I push a button and endure while it dispenses the medicine into my leg with a highly painful burning sensation. Four deep, slow breaths, and generally it's over. Then I get to measure out the methotrexate into the syringe and inject it into my leg. I HATE that part. I will never understand how people can shoot up for recreational drug use...the action of sticking a needle into your own flesh is sooo counterintuitive that even now, after almost a full year of this medication, I still take AT LEAST 5 counts of 1-2-3 to inject. Gah. My stomach's always in knots for the hour that I let the Enbrel reach room temp (it has to be kept refrigerated), not because I'm afraid of the shots, but because I know they're going to hurt and there's not a damn thing I can do. Then comes the day or two of low-level nausea and bone-deep weariness. I attribute the nausea to the methotrexate, and the weariness to the Enbrel...but I can't tell for sure. I take them both on the same night, at the recommendation of my rheumatologist, to get it all over with on the same day. The positive thing is when we decide to have a kid I have to go off all of my medication...which means any nausea then could be a pregnancy sign! Lol. Oh, and RA goes into remission during pregnancy, though it often comes back worse after the baby's born...but that's ok...we're gonna risk it at least once!
Anyway, all of that said, these drugs truly are wonderful. Within 2 months of starting Enbrel (almost a year and a half ago) I could walk normally, put on my socks and shoes by myself, and handle buttons with ease! After 3 months on the methotrexate (it took a bit longer to kick in) I was just about up to the level of remission I'm in now! Which is to say, the disease is still there, but I can function pretty much normally. Granted, I'll never be able to work out like I did in high school again--with my elbows, lifting weights is problematic and I'll be hard-pressed to ever do a push-up again, and my knees and ankles pretty much rule out bleachers and even regular running. But that won't keep me from living my life to the fullest, getting back in shape (I am DETERMINED!!! lol), and being the best me I can be! As corny as that last sounds, I am determined to find out what that means, on all levels--because that, friends, is self-knowledge.
Throughout this whole process, my family has been supersupportive and loving. However, noone has done quite as much for me as my husband. He was the one to help me put on socks and shoes the holiday season after I got diagnosed. He pushes me when I'm giving in too easily--physically and emotionally--and holds me when I've done all I can, and when it all gets to be just that much too much. He has helped me see all the ways in which I can still be useful, helped me find my new definition of useful, and just basically has been so all-around wonderful with all of this that I don't know how I would have gotten through it without him. I'd have gotten through, but the journey would have been much more hellish. I sure do love that man! :-)
On that uplifting and positive note, it's time for me to go "shoot up". I realize this post was not quite in the same vein as my other just thinking posts, but it's what was on my mind tonight. Nor should this blog be read as a definitive definition or description of RA...that's why I included the link to the Arthritis Center's Disease Center RA page ;-). This is just what was running through my mind tonight.
Anyways, I was just thinking.
Friday, July 25, 2008
The Age of Unbelieving
AMC is showing Bedknobs and Broomsticks tonite. I loved this movie when I was a kid, and watching it now, I realize how good it really is! There's a lot of history, some mythology, and all around fun all thrown together. The animation reminds me a GREAT deal of the Jungle Book and Robin Hood...which is one of my FAVORITE movies of all time. There was one point in particular in Bedknobs and Broomsticks that made me start thinking.
There's a song, towards the beginning of the movie, that talks about the Age of Unbelieving. For some reason, that struck a cord with me. In today's world, children are encouraged to grow up (in my opinion) way too soon. Their imaginary friends are discouraged, their daydreams torn down, and their creativity put into boxes that are "acceptable". I think this is a shame. Granted, the Age of Unbelieving comes to each child at a different point. But why the insistence on it coming soon?
I remember believing with all my heart that all I had to do was stumble across the right wardrobe, hidden door, secret room, etc., and I would be transported to another world. I would make plans as to what I would do once I found myself there...how I would blend in, who I would talk to, what my course of action would be, and the like. I also never doubted the existence of dragons, fairies, magic, talking animals, or mental abilities (telepathy, telekinesis, and so forth). I listened to fairy tales with the utmost attention and intensity. When I could read, I devoured science fiction and fantasy stories, the one that finally engulfed me (and does to this day) the Valdemar series by Mercedes Lackey.
Of course, with time, I reached the Age of Unbelieving. Except, I didn't. I realized that the fantastical things I read about were confined to the pages of my books and to the realm of my imagination, but part of me to this day will not give up on their existence. In the back of my mind, beyond logic and education, I still believe in dragons, magic, and all the rest. How can I not? The world would be a much less satisfying and mysterious place, if therein did not exist magic and its creatures! And so, though I'm way past the Age of Unbelieving, I choose to believe.
Yes, I know they're not real. But why can't they be? At least in the realm of belief. After all, belief doesn't always reflect reality. So, why should children be discouraged from believing? Eventually they'll reach the Age of Unbelieving, and realize their daydreams aren't real in the traditional sense. That the dragons, fairies, magic, other worlds, all of it, exist only in their heads. But, in the incredibly potent and apt words of Dumbledore (via J.K. Rowling), "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry (substitute your name for Harry's), but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
Anyways, I was just thinking.
***Note: I realize there might be some confusion regarding my "Dumbledore via J.K. Rowling". If you see the character as the product of the author, then technically it should be J.K. Rowling via Dumbledore. However, if you see the author as giving life to a character that was simply waiting for their pen stroke, then truly the author is the medium through which the character's words are delivered. Guess which point of view I ascribe to? :-)***
There's a song, towards the beginning of the movie, that talks about the Age of Unbelieving. For some reason, that struck a cord with me. In today's world, children are encouraged to grow up (in my opinion) way too soon. Their imaginary friends are discouraged, their daydreams torn down, and their creativity put into boxes that are "acceptable". I think this is a shame. Granted, the Age of Unbelieving comes to each child at a different point. But why the insistence on it coming soon?
I remember believing with all my heart that all I had to do was stumble across the right wardrobe, hidden door, secret room, etc., and I would be transported to another world. I would make plans as to what I would do once I found myself there...how I would blend in, who I would talk to, what my course of action would be, and the like. I also never doubted the existence of dragons, fairies, magic, talking animals, or mental abilities (telepathy, telekinesis, and so forth). I listened to fairy tales with the utmost attention and intensity. When I could read, I devoured science fiction and fantasy stories, the one that finally engulfed me (and does to this day) the Valdemar series by Mercedes Lackey.
Of course, with time, I reached the Age of Unbelieving. Except, I didn't. I realized that the fantastical things I read about were confined to the pages of my books and to the realm of my imagination, but part of me to this day will not give up on their existence. In the back of my mind, beyond logic and education, I still believe in dragons, magic, and all the rest. How can I not? The world would be a much less satisfying and mysterious place, if therein did not exist magic and its creatures! And so, though I'm way past the Age of Unbelieving, I choose to believe.
Yes, I know they're not real. But why can't they be? At least in the realm of belief. After all, belief doesn't always reflect reality. So, why should children be discouraged from believing? Eventually they'll reach the Age of Unbelieving, and realize their daydreams aren't real in the traditional sense. That the dragons, fairies, magic, other worlds, all of it, exist only in their heads. But, in the incredibly potent and apt words of Dumbledore (via J.K. Rowling), "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry (substitute your name for Harry's), but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
Anyways, I was just thinking.
***Note: I realize there might be some confusion regarding my "Dumbledore via J.K. Rowling". If you see the character as the product of the author, then technically it should be J.K. Rowling via Dumbledore. However, if you see the author as giving life to a character that was simply waiting for their pen stroke, then truly the author is the medium through which the character's words are delivered. Guess which point of view I ascribe to? :-)***
One of Those Moments of Clarity
It's interesting how the past interacts with the present, and how the past can show up in the present. It makes you think.
In a previous post, I mentioned a former friend. I heard something about them the other day--life is funny sometimes--and from all accounts, their life seems like it is going to be a very difficult one. Upon hearing this, I realized something. I no longer feel any pain, anger, or hurt from their past actions. When I think about the past, about that former friend, I actually pity them...they don't understand so much about life, the right things to do, or healthy relationships/friendships. When I heard about them and their life the other day, I felt sad for them. Sad! After so much time of feeling hurt and angry! I've finally moved beyond all of it, am so far removed that it feels like another life. In realizing all of this, I realized I actually wish them well. I never wished for ill to happen--I'd never wish that for anyone--but now, I actually hope that this former friend will come to understand that they have the ability to be a better person, and I hope that realization will lead them into healthy relationships and a better, happier life. I know I'll probably never know if this comes about or not, but that doesn't matter. I don't need to. In my moment of clarity, I found a deep-seated peace about all of it that's been coming on for awhile now. In a twisted way, I'm actually grateful for what happened--not that they showed themselves to be a bad person/friend--but that through the whole experience, I became a stronger person, and my relationship with my husband became so much stronger and closer.
Speaking of my wonderful man, he surprised me by coming home early today! It was such a wonderful surprise. I'll wake him up from his nap soon. Poor guy's worked 50-60 hours a week for the past couple of weeks--big project at work just kicked off! After I wake him up, I'll make us dinner, and then we'll spend the evening reading together, playing with the pups, maybe watch a movie...who knows? It's Friday night after all!
Another thing I'm at peace about--I start school in a month! A month from this very day, I will be helping challenge and shape the minds of young students! I'm so excited. I'll be helping add to the family coffers, so to speak, and finally be starting the next stage of life. Grad school wraps up this next week, and I should have my degree conferred by the beginning of August.
My classes are going well, my career is about to start, and my marriage is incredibly happy and so much fun! I feel very blessed. My life is wonderful, and the future is bright!
Anyways, I was just thinking!
In a previous post, I mentioned a former friend. I heard something about them the other day--life is funny sometimes--and from all accounts, their life seems like it is going to be a very difficult one. Upon hearing this, I realized something. I no longer feel any pain, anger, or hurt from their past actions. When I think about the past, about that former friend, I actually pity them...they don't understand so much about life, the right things to do, or healthy relationships/friendships. When I heard about them and their life the other day, I felt sad for them. Sad! After so much time of feeling hurt and angry! I've finally moved beyond all of it, am so far removed that it feels like another life. In realizing all of this, I realized I actually wish them well. I never wished for ill to happen--I'd never wish that for anyone--but now, I actually hope that this former friend will come to understand that they have the ability to be a better person, and I hope that realization will lead them into healthy relationships and a better, happier life. I know I'll probably never know if this comes about or not, but that doesn't matter. I don't need to. In my moment of clarity, I found a deep-seated peace about all of it that's been coming on for awhile now. In a twisted way, I'm actually grateful for what happened--not that they showed themselves to be a bad person/friend--but that through the whole experience, I became a stronger person, and my relationship with my husband became so much stronger and closer.
Speaking of my wonderful man, he surprised me by coming home early today! It was such a wonderful surprise. I'll wake him up from his nap soon. Poor guy's worked 50-60 hours a week for the past couple of weeks--big project at work just kicked off! After I wake him up, I'll make us dinner, and then we'll spend the evening reading together, playing with the pups, maybe watch a movie...who knows? It's Friday night after all!
Another thing I'm at peace about--I start school in a month! A month from this very day, I will be helping challenge and shape the minds of young students! I'm so excited. I'll be helping add to the family coffers, so to speak, and finally be starting the next stage of life. Grad school wraps up this next week, and I should have my degree conferred by the beginning of August.
My classes are going well, my career is about to start, and my marriage is incredibly happy and so much fun! I feel very blessed. My life is wonderful, and the future is bright!
Anyways, I was just thinking!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Strawberries and Blackberries
To me, no other fruit means summer quite like these two fruits. Except maybe dewberries/raspberries. Watermelon also has its place. But strawberries and blackberries seem to carry all the sweetness of summertime, with the tartness that (to me) mirrors the sting of the sun during a Texas summer. What brought that up?
I just ate a plate of strawberries and blackberries for lunch...and it was wonderful! Driscol fruits are amazing.
It made me remember when I was a kid, and my little brother and I would go pick blackberries and dewberries from the vines that grew on the back of our fence. Now, behind our fence is a neighborhood--manicured lawns, beautiful houses. The wild berry vines don't grow there anymore. And the trees we used to picnic under so we could get out of the house have pretty much all been cut down. Some still stand, but they are no longer part of the woods we'd ride our bikes through on exploratory trips to the bayou. Now, our childhood summers weren't the summers of our parents and grandparents...but they were pretty neat. We'd stay outside all day. We'd hang out together, but little brother would also go play with his friends and I would go up in our backyard fort with a book. Not a whole lot has changed in that respect lol...I'd still rather go hole up somewhere with a book!
It's nostalgic, thinking about how much has changed where we grew up. And how much has changed in the world in general...parents today wouldn't dare let their kids go for an unattended bike ride through some woods leading to the bank of a bayou! I hope our kids will be able to have a childhood that incorporates the outdoors and summertime. That said, I'm glad it was another time when we grew up...it gave us lots of great memories.
They are fun memories. I guess the combination of the blackberries and the fact that my little brother rolled his car this morning in Colorado brought them back. He's fine, the car's not. He's mad at himself, but only bruised up a bit with one cut. Thank God. I believe everything happens for a reason, and that what's meant to be will be. I'm just glad little brother walked away. It's funny how much we've grown up, and how much he will always be the little brother I want to protect and take care of...even when I know I have to let him make his own decisions and mistakes. But I'll always love him.
Later today I think I'll go buy some more strawberries and blackberries...that way I can still taste summer even if all the rain is keeping us indoors.
Anyways, I was just thinking.
I just ate a plate of strawberries and blackberries for lunch...and it was wonderful! Driscol fruits are amazing.
It made me remember when I was a kid, and my little brother and I would go pick blackberries and dewberries from the vines that grew on the back of our fence. Now, behind our fence is a neighborhood--manicured lawns, beautiful houses. The wild berry vines don't grow there anymore. And the trees we used to picnic under so we could get out of the house have pretty much all been cut down. Some still stand, but they are no longer part of the woods we'd ride our bikes through on exploratory trips to the bayou. Now, our childhood summers weren't the summers of our parents and grandparents...but they were pretty neat. We'd stay outside all day. We'd hang out together, but little brother would also go play with his friends and I would go up in our backyard fort with a book. Not a whole lot has changed in that respect lol...I'd still rather go hole up somewhere with a book!
It's nostalgic, thinking about how much has changed where we grew up. And how much has changed in the world in general...parents today wouldn't dare let their kids go for an unattended bike ride through some woods leading to the bank of a bayou! I hope our kids will be able to have a childhood that incorporates the outdoors and summertime. That said, I'm glad it was another time when we grew up...it gave us lots of great memories.
They are fun memories. I guess the combination of the blackberries and the fact that my little brother rolled his car this morning in Colorado brought them back. He's fine, the car's not. He's mad at himself, but only bruised up a bit with one cut. Thank God. I believe everything happens for a reason, and that what's meant to be will be. I'm just glad little brother walked away. It's funny how much we've grown up, and how much he will always be the little brother I want to protect and take care of...even when I know I have to let him make his own decisions and mistakes. But I'll always love him.
Later today I think I'll go buy some more strawberries and blackberries...that way I can still taste summer even if all the rain is keeping us indoors.
Anyways, I was just thinking.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Questioning
One of the graduate classes I'm in right now is a philosophy course. It's focus is philosophy of education, but my professor (who I've had before and LOVE) is never content to stay only within the focus. He challenges us to explore all aspects of our class. With this in mind, our first book this semester--Sophie's World--was an introductory philosophy text couched within a fictional story. It was amazing, and I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in philosophy, loves to read fiction, and doesn't want to take a philosophy class.
In this class, we discuss books after reading them via an online discussion board. The two books that followed--Nel Noddings' Philosophy of Education and Dr. Slattery's Curriculum Development in the Postmodern Era--were equally engaging, if more academic than the first.
One statement that I made apparently kicked off a side discussion. In my essay, I emphasized the questioning part of the philosophical process, and how that aspect can be applied to every aspect of our lives. My position was that questioning can only strengthen things in our lives, and aide in our pursuit of self-knowledge, which to me is one of the most important things to achieve.
Well, did that generate some feedback! I had questions asking what it was ok to question, what it was appropriate/useful to question, what I was questioning currently, etc. All of these questions I answered, clarifying my position.
In regards to what it is ok to question: EVERYTHING. From personal perception, to relationships, to religion, nothing should be held above being questioned. Too many times, the hesitancy to question comes from a fear that finding what we believe is either wrong, or built upon misconceptions. This only serves to perpetuate a lack of self-knowledge. Questioning things reveals inconsistencies and fallacies, and once those are revealed, they can be confronted and corrected. I'm not saying it's a comfortable or easy process...but it is a very worthwhile and rewarding one to go through.
In regards to what is appropriate/profitable to question: This is a bit more complicated. I'll deal with appropriate first. To answer a question with a question: Who defines what is appropriate? Society? Our background? How we were raised? I don't think it is ok to allow any of that to determine whether or not we question something. What is appropriate to question is whatever the individual feels needs to be questioned. Allowing other influences to determine what is appropriate is allowing other people to dictate the direction of your life journey, which I feel is a dangerous thing to allow to happen. As far as what is profitable, again, who determines that? My answer is the same...that choice is up to the individual.
Yes, I realize that saying it is up to the individual that it opens the door to people choosing not to question anything, ever. Or to conform to society's expectations in regards in what to question. But that's the right of the individual to choose. That said, I do wish more people would undertake the challenge to challenge their beliefs about their lives.
Another note about questioning that one of my classmates brought up: the motive behind questioning. This point made me pause, because for me, questioning has always had the purpose of strengthening. He pointed out that some people use questioning to destroy or to create division and bad feelings. I honestly hadn't considered that. That motivation turns questioning into something harmful. Basically, questioning is a tool and a process...and as such, can be used for the aforementioned negative reasons or for good and healthy reasons--growth, strengthening, self-knowledge. It's also important to figure out the right questions to ask in a given situation.
As for the question as to what I'm questioning now, I didn't answer that on the discussion board. Partly because I think the person meant as far as my educational philosophy, and since that's in a constant state of flux, I didn't really have an answer. In regards to what I'm questioning personally, I didn't feel like sharing that with my philosophy class! Lol. But this, this is a good forum for it.
I'll start with what I'm NOT questioning. Who I am. Who my friends are. My relationship with my wonderful, loving husband. My family relationships. Basically, my relationships with the people in my life, and with myself, are sound and strong. :-)
What I AM questioning: my religion. Ok, be careful with how you read that! I am NOT questioning my FAITH--I am a Christian. I believe in God, and that Jesus died for my sins. That said, I'm questioning quite a bit about how Christianity is practiced today. I haven't been able to find a church home for several years, either because the preacher does not meet my expectation (I like preachers that put things in historical context and delve into the original meanings of words) or the general atmosphere does not encourage any questioning or deviation from the group mindset. If this post tells you anything about me, it's that I don't like environments that stifle questions or insist on blind acceptance.
I was also a Religious Studies minor in college, and learned a great deal about the history of Christianity. I know that many things that churches claim are "Biblical doctrine" are actually tradition that formed because of the choices made at the First Council of Nicea. Which isn't a bad thing at all...it just makes me wary of accepting "doctrine" blindly. And it also makes me question how much of that is applicable to today. That said, I do believe in the Bible...I just believe that it was a product of man, inspired by God, and as such is not infallible. (See what I mean? My questions can get me into trouble!) I do think that what I call the "red text"...that is the words of Jesus/God...are the core of instruction on faith and how a Christian should live. Not that I'm perfect and always manage that, but hey, the only one who ever did was the Son of God...so I'm ok with not being perfect.
I also really like certain Eastern religious traditions and philosophies. Taoism has aspects that I really enjoy, in particular. So, I'm in the process of trying to reconcile my faith with my religious questions and inclinations, and trying to find a church home where I can be a part of a community who is open to new ideas and to questions.
Should be easy, right? :-P
Well, that's about it for tonight I think. I'm going to go finish laundry, make sure the dogs are good to go for the night, and spend some time with my hubby before we crawl into bed! I do hope, if anyone's reading this, that you won't be afraid to question things in your life as you feel the need.
Anyways, I was just thinking.
In this class, we discuss books after reading them via an online discussion board. The two books that followed--Nel Noddings' Philosophy of Education and Dr. Slattery's Curriculum Development in the Postmodern Era--were equally engaging, if more academic than the first.
One statement that I made apparently kicked off a side discussion. In my essay, I emphasized the questioning part of the philosophical process, and how that aspect can be applied to every aspect of our lives. My position was that questioning can only strengthen things in our lives, and aide in our pursuit of self-knowledge, which to me is one of the most important things to achieve.
Well, did that generate some feedback! I had questions asking what it was ok to question, what it was appropriate/useful to question, what I was questioning currently, etc. All of these questions I answered, clarifying my position.
In regards to what it is ok to question: EVERYTHING. From personal perception, to relationships, to religion, nothing should be held above being questioned. Too many times, the hesitancy to question comes from a fear that finding what we believe is either wrong, or built upon misconceptions. This only serves to perpetuate a lack of self-knowledge. Questioning things reveals inconsistencies and fallacies, and once those are revealed, they can be confronted and corrected. I'm not saying it's a comfortable or easy process...but it is a very worthwhile and rewarding one to go through.
In regards to what is appropriate/profitable to question: This is a bit more complicated. I'll deal with appropriate first. To answer a question with a question: Who defines what is appropriate? Society? Our background? How we were raised? I don't think it is ok to allow any of that to determine whether or not we question something. What is appropriate to question is whatever the individual feels needs to be questioned. Allowing other influences to determine what is appropriate is allowing other people to dictate the direction of your life journey, which I feel is a dangerous thing to allow to happen. As far as what is profitable, again, who determines that? My answer is the same...that choice is up to the individual.
Yes, I realize that saying it is up to the individual that it opens the door to people choosing not to question anything, ever. Or to conform to society's expectations in regards in what to question. But that's the right of the individual to choose. That said, I do wish more people would undertake the challenge to challenge their beliefs about their lives.
Another note about questioning that one of my classmates brought up: the motive behind questioning. This point made me pause, because for me, questioning has always had the purpose of strengthening. He pointed out that some people use questioning to destroy or to create division and bad feelings. I honestly hadn't considered that. That motivation turns questioning into something harmful. Basically, questioning is a tool and a process...and as such, can be used for the aforementioned negative reasons or for good and healthy reasons--growth, strengthening, self-knowledge. It's also important to figure out the right questions to ask in a given situation.
As for the question as to what I'm questioning now, I didn't answer that on the discussion board. Partly because I think the person meant as far as my educational philosophy, and since that's in a constant state of flux, I didn't really have an answer. In regards to what I'm questioning personally, I didn't feel like sharing that with my philosophy class! Lol. But this, this is a good forum for it.
I'll start with what I'm NOT questioning. Who I am. Who my friends are. My relationship with my wonderful, loving husband. My family relationships. Basically, my relationships with the people in my life, and with myself, are sound and strong. :-)
What I AM questioning: my religion. Ok, be careful with how you read that! I am NOT questioning my FAITH--I am a Christian. I believe in God, and that Jesus died for my sins. That said, I'm questioning quite a bit about how Christianity is practiced today. I haven't been able to find a church home for several years, either because the preacher does not meet my expectation (I like preachers that put things in historical context and delve into the original meanings of words) or the general atmosphere does not encourage any questioning or deviation from the group mindset. If this post tells you anything about me, it's that I don't like environments that stifle questions or insist on blind acceptance.
I was also a Religious Studies minor in college, and learned a great deal about the history of Christianity. I know that many things that churches claim are "Biblical doctrine" are actually tradition that formed because of the choices made at the First Council of Nicea. Which isn't a bad thing at all...it just makes me wary of accepting "doctrine" blindly. And it also makes me question how much of that is applicable to today. That said, I do believe in the Bible...I just believe that it was a product of man, inspired by God, and as such is not infallible. (See what I mean? My questions can get me into trouble!) I do think that what I call the "red text"...that is the words of Jesus/God...are the core of instruction on faith and how a Christian should live. Not that I'm perfect and always manage that, but hey, the only one who ever did was the Son of God...so I'm ok with not being perfect.
I also really like certain Eastern religious traditions and philosophies. Taoism has aspects that I really enjoy, in particular. So, I'm in the process of trying to reconcile my faith with my religious questions and inclinations, and trying to find a church home where I can be a part of a community who is open to new ideas and to questions.
Should be easy, right? :-P
Well, that's about it for tonight I think. I'm going to go finish laundry, make sure the dogs are good to go for the night, and spend some time with my hubby before we crawl into bed! I do hope, if anyone's reading this, that you won't be afraid to question things in your life as you feel the need.
Anyways, I was just thinking.
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