Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Don't Do Stupid Things OR Why Standing On Chairs Is Bad

Let me start off by saying that Caylee is just fine.  With that *ahem* reassuring comment, I will now share my moment of brilliant stupidity from last week.

Last Monday, Bryan came home from work and then left again to go to the gym for his Monday run.  I planned out when I would start dinner to coincide with his return, and then took the pups outside.  It was a very pleasant evening, compared the the scorchers we had had/are having, and the sea breeze was blowing very nicely.  The only thing missing was the sound of my bamboo wind chimes, which I had taken down the week before.  I decided that I was going to hang them back up.  Bryan had been gone all of about 2 minutes at this point.  Did I think about waiting until he got home?  No.  Why?  I'm a capable and self-sufficient woman, after all.  Did I go back inside and get the step ladder?  No.  It didn't even cross my mind.  After all, I had stood on our outdoor chairs many times before without incident.

You see where this is heading, don't you?  I wish I had lol.

So, I climbed up on one of the chairs on the back porch, wind chime in hand.  Just as I was stretching up to hang the wind chime back on it's hook...well...

Yep.  The damn chair ripped on me.  I was going down.  The only thoughts in my head were "Don't land on the baby" and "Get off the concrete".  Somehow, I managed to accomplish both directives.  Someone was definitely watching out for me.  I managed to kick free of the chair/death trap, get both feet on the concrete long enough to direct my fall towards the grass, avoid the post that holds the porch up AND the pointed picket fence around the flower bed, and managed to twist so that Caylee did not get squished.  So, how did I land, you ask?

I executed an amazing pile drive maneuver to the ground using...my right shoulder.  And man did it hurt!  As I hit, I heard an unpleasant crunching sound.  I laid on the ground for a minute, and then fished my phone (miraculously unbroken) out of my pocket and called Bryan.

He hadn't yet made it to the gym...meaning all of this took place within 5 minutes of his leaving the house.  He probably broke some traffic laws to get back to me, but get back quickly he did.  He scooped me up and got me to the ER, where they took me straight back on account of Caylee.  They found her heartbeat immediately, which was good and strong, and proceeded to diagnose me with a mild fracture of the humerus.  Then, they sent us upstairs to antepartum, where monitors for Caylee and uterine activity were put on my belly.  Bryan and I were so relieved when we heard that her heartbeat was going strong, and that I wasn't having any contractions.  Luckily, my OB was the doctor on call, and after evaluating the data, she had them monitor us for another hour and then send us home.

We followed up with my new orthopedic surgeon, who confirmed the break and put me in a stylish immobilization sling...that is also hot as hell.  Fortunately, I don't need surgery, which, thanks to RA damage, would be necessary if I had landed on any other right-sided joint.

Our follow up with my OB went well, and this Friday we have our third trimester ultrasound with my maternal/fetal specialist.  I have no doubt that Caylee is fine--her heart rate at the OB's was awesome, and she's been kicking around more strongly every day--but I can't wait to see her and hear for sure that she's wonderful.

So anyway, that was my moment of brilliant stupidity.  Bryan has been very helpful, even offering to tie me in my lazy boy until Caylee gets here lol.  The sad thing is, once he sits me down in it and puts my feet up, I can't operate the lever anyway, so no rope would actually be necessary!  I don't blame him for giving me a hard time--I totally have it coming.

In conclusion, here are the lessons I have learned:

When you are pregnant, doing stupid things will get you hurt and made fun of...and you will completely deserve it.

Asking for help is not a bad thing.

Chairs are plotting, devious bastards.

Wind chimes bounce surprisingly well.

I, however, do not bounce well at all these days.

And also, that I have amazing family and friends who were all willing to drop everything to come help if I needed it.  Thanks y'all!


  1. 1. Holy crap! Bad Kristen! Tell Bryan I can send him some rope.
    2. Caylee is going to grow up to be just as stubborn and fearless as her mom, and that's awesome.

  2. Yeah.. bad bad Kristen!! You should know better chica! But I'm so glad you and Caylee are both fine. It does sound like something I would do so I'm not one to talk. I'm the biggest hazard to myself. I had no idea any of this happened. I'm sorry it hurts. I hope it heals quickly. No more silly little things. Hugs

  3. You poor thing! Those slings are the worst...A lot of my home health patients are stuck in them and I can imagine how annoying and hot they are! Glad all is well with the baby...those kinda things can be so scary. Take care of yourself and let that arm heal up so you can carry about your baby girl when she gets here :)


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